Wednesday, January 13th, 2010...9:26 pm

Novena Prayer for the Speedy Death of Pat Robertson

Jump to Comments

Telehypocrite Pat Robertson has announced today that the Haitian earthquake was God’s punishment for Haitians’ making a pact with Satan 200 years ago when they struggled for liberation from the French. (I’m not making this up.) The following prayer is offered for the relief of Haitians and all humanity from this pestilent beast.

(To be prayed for nine days in a row)

Almighty and All Just God, who smites the proud and who protects the weak, hear us as we beseech Thee to deliver us from the pestilence of Pat Robertson. Raise Thy mighty arm and remove this affliction from our midst. May Thou bring him swiftly into Eternity where Thou shalt mete out justice and mercy. We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, the soon-coming Just Judge of the quick and the dead. Amen.

(Disclosure: I conducted some research for my book AIDS and American Apocalypticism in the library of Robertson’s Regent University in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and was once threatened with arrest on the campus during direct action civil disobedience there to protest Robertson’s anti-gay on-air slanders.)

10 Comments

  • Just wanted to stop by and wish you a Happy Birthday. Your brother was so kind to clue me in. May this year be the best ever and many more great years to follow!

    Cheers
    Andrew Mueller
    @andrewmueller

  • The mayor of the White House and the NBC Washington Bureau ordered his minions to wish you a happy birthday.

    Amanda
    @alemily

  • Happy Happy Birthday! Jim pointed to your site.
    Now about the prayer, does it need to be prayed at exactly the same time everyday or can we fudge on that? 😉
    I hope your day is magnificent!

  • I am a slavish follower of your brother Jim on Twitter, so I must do as I’m told whenever he asks: Happy Birthday!!

  • I too am following the directives given on Twitter…Happy Birthday, may this year be better than last year.

  • Happy Birthday!

  • your brother made me do it. happy birthday from fabulous las vegas! hope you have a marvelous day.

  • Pat Robertson’s dad was much worse: in 1960, as a senator from Virginia, he refused to be seen with Jack Kennedy because Jack was Catholic. Compared to Pat’s dad, Harry Byrd, Sr. was a member of the NAACP!

  • Hi Tom,

    Great work you are doing…

    The ‘Devil’ Writes Pat Robertson A Letter

    The Minneapolis Star-Tribune published a letter from Satan to evangelist Pat Robertson, responding to his comment that Haiti’s persistent troubles, including the earthquake, are due to a pact the nation made with Mephistopheles. Actually, it wasn’t Satan who wrote the letter but Lilly Coyle of Minneapolis writing in the persona of the hellish one. I think she got it down pretty well. What say you?

    Dear Pat Robertson,
    I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when
    they are down, so I’m all over that action.
    But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put
    it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first
    get something here on earth-glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?
    If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox-that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty
    rate is so not my style. Nothing against it-I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

    You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings-just, come
    on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming
    God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to
    renegotiate your own contract.
    Best, Satan
    (Lily Coyle, Minneapolis, MN)

  • Thanks to all for the birthday wishes, comments, and other news clippings!

Leave a Reply