Wednesday, July 9th, 2008...9:27 am

sham fui

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I have long been a student of the art of sham fui, the ancient art of conning gullible Westerners who have more money than sense. Recently, I conversed with a woman who told me that she had been an adjunct instructor in the School of Education at a local university; when I asked her what her field was, she smiled and said, “Feng shui.” I despaired even more deeply for the School of Education.

You, too, can be a practitioner of the art of sham fui. Since most Americans count themselves as “experts” after only a single workshop (see Madonna and her amazing technicolor Kabbalah mysticism), you can possess the arcane lore of sham fui simply by following a few easy guidelines.

  1. Use the word “energy” a lot, as in “I’m sensing a concentration of energy here” [and “here” can be some part of someone’s body, a corner of a room, or a piece of real estate]. Caution: Be careful when attempting to use this as a pickup line.
  2. Use the words “negative” and “positive” a lot, but never use “good” or “bad,” as in, “This condo townhouse needs some repairs, but it has a lot of positive energy” or “He’s a very positive person, even though he stole my credit card.”
  3. Use the words “cleanse” and “cleansing” a lot, but never use “cleaning,” “sanitizing,” “enema,” or “purging,” as in “This herbal formulation will cleanse the body of toxins.”

Some observations.

  • Westerners with more money than sense will avoid having a colonoscopy every ten years because they don’t want to take the prep laxative, but will spend the day on a crapper monthly as part of a “cleansing” routine.
  • Westerners with more money than sense will take offense when a Catholic monk admonishes them to practice sexual abstinence but will pay for tickets to hear a Buddhist monk tell them the same thing.

By following these few simple guidelines, you can become a sham fui practitioner.

But wait; there’s more. For a limited time only, I am making this special offer to the first 50 callers: Certification as a sham fui instructor, at a one-time-only introductory price.

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